Karmic, Cosmic and Metaphysical...

A while back someone in a position to really hurt me and my family did just that. 

In the moment I tried to have - and succeeded in having - a dignified and restrained response.  Following my family back to England in the mid-1800s, it's that stiff upper lip, and all.

It was also the WWJD thing that we learn from childhood in Sunday School.

Anyway, I did keep the outward appearance and behavior of calm professionalism. 

Inside and at times when I was alone I ran the gammut of emotion. 

I was euphoric because I was out of a situation that was uncomfortable, unproductive, unrewarding and stressful.  I was resentful because I felt misunderstood. 

I was peaceful because I knew that, contrary to the old addage, God's hand is in the details of our lives.  I was anxious because now one of my prime responsibilities would be much more difficult to fulfill. 

I was excited because a whole world of opportunity and options lay open before me.  I was frustrated because there were no opportunities open to me. 

I was compassionate to the person who had done this and their associates.  I was filled with rage and hatred for that person and everyone who surrounded them.

And over time, I felt that my inner feelings were getting more in line with what my will would have them be.  You see, I want to be a person who is magnanamous, charitable, kind and unflappable in every situation.  I admire Sir Thomas Moore's response when he learned that his friend's inattention had led to the destruction of his manuscript for the history he'd been working on for 2 years or more.

I want to be that guy.

Today, as I sat working on my new "opportunities" I started to think about some of the details around the event in question.  I started to see how some of the things had not been right. 

I don't discount any part I may have played in the troubles.  I'm sure, because I've examined it, that I could have done more and done differently. 

But the real insensitivity and the real injustice and the way I perceived that they were dragging out the agreed upon act of doing right by me started to eat at me this afternoon.

And I could feel the very real event of positive, creative, generative energy leaving my body and it was replaced with a dark energy.  An energy that brought with it lethargy, anger, a hyperactive sense of "justice", and malice began to fill me.

I knew I needed to change my place - both spiritually and physically.  So, I went out to a lake near the house.  I sat in the shade and focused on the nature that surrounded me.  I listened to the wind and watched the birds.  I searched my heart and I talked with God. 

And in the process I felt changed. 

I'm not describing some rebirth or powerful cleansing.  It was a subtle change.  The edge came off my anger.  Some cloud obscured my certain view into the intent of the soul of another.  And just as clouds pass and blades are sharpened I knew that this change was fleeting.

I knew it was a change I needed to keep, though.  And I understand it's a change I need to repeat continually until, at last, Grace has place in my heart and drives out bitterness and despair forever.